MURPHY'S LAW

And other humorous sayings!

Updated:08.03.2000

By way of some light relief, here are some adaptations of that well known saying, Murphy's Law, which states that "If something can go wrong, it sure will". You can give copies to your friends just to make them depressed...Don't take them too seriously - keep a copy on the wall in the office at work and when the going gets tough, look at these to amuse yourselves. Unfortunately, chances are someone else has pinched it when needed most...!

MURPHY'S LAW.
If something can go wrong, it sure will.

MURPHY'S INVERSE LAW.
Anything that can't fail, will.

FIRST EXTENSION TO MURPHY'S LAW.
If a series of things fail, they will do so in the worst possible order.

SECOND EXTENSION TO MURPHY'S LAW.
Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse.

MURPHY'S NINTH LAW.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

MURPHY'S SECOND COROLLARY.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

THE OCCURRENCE CONCEPT.
The probability of occurrence of Murphy's Law is inversely proportional to expectation and desirability of such an occurrence.

THE SECOND OCCURRENCE CONCEPT.
All probabilities are 50% - won't or can't.

THE CONCEPT OF FRUSTRATION.
Murphy's law will only fail to occur when it is undesirable for it to do so.

O'TOOLE'S IMPRESSION OF MURPHY'S LAW.
Murphy was an optimist.

SOD'S LAW.
The degree of failure is directly proportional to the effort made and the need for success.

THE TUNNEL THEORY.
Just when you think you can see light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

BARRY ANSELL'S QUALIFICATION OF THE TUNNEL THEORY.
Just when you think you can see light at the end of the tunnel, someone switches it off.

PROLOGUE TO BARRY ANSELL'S QUALIFICATION OF THE TUNNEL THEORY.
Just when you think you can see light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be the headlight on an oncoming train.

THE LAW OF HINDSIGHT.
If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.

THE SECOND LAW OF HINDSIGHT.
Nothing will ever go as seriously wrong as when your back is turned.

THE PESSIMIST'S PRINCIPLE.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

THE SECOND INTERPRETATION OF THE PESSIMIST'S PRINCIPLE.
Nothing should ever be regarded as going completely right. Therefore, if all seems to be going well, something is seriously wrong.

THE CRASH CONCEPT.
The probability of a system crash is directly proportional to the time since the last SAVE.

THE LAW OF DAMAGE.
If it's fragile, you'll drop it; if it's robust you'll fall on it and hurt yourself.

THE LAW OF OPERATIONAL ERRORS.
If it won't work, try reading the manual.

PROLOGUE TO THE LAW OF OPERATIONAL ERRORS.
If it won't work, the manual's lost.

THE SECOND LAW OF OPERATIONAL ERRORS.
If all else fails, try plugging it in and switching it on.

THE LOST BOOK LAW.
No book is ever lost unless essential.

JOHNSON'S MISSING MAGAZINE MISSIVES.
If you miss or lose any issue of a given magazine, it is the issue which contained the article you were most anxious to read. In addition, all of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out, especially if they borrowed your copy in the first place.

THE PROGRAMMING PERSPECTIVE.
If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No point being a fool about it.

THE BAD-TEMPERED PROGRAMMER RULE.
If at first you don't succeed, give up and/or destroy it.

THE SECOND BAD-TEMPERED PROGRAMMER RULE.
Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.

THE PROGRAMMING PROVERB.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.

COPIOUS PROGRAM CONJECTURE.
Inside every large program there is an useful small routine trying to get out.

HORNER'S FIVE THUMB HYPOTHESIS.
Experience increases in direct proportion to equipment ruined.

THE REPAIR-MAN'S LAW.
Damage caused is inversely proportional to ease of operation and foolproof-ness.

THE REPAIR-MAN'S LAW REVISITED.
The time taken to repair something is inversely proportional to the time it took to break it in the first place.

THE REALLY-BAD-DAY-THEOREM.
Hot soldering irons closely resemble cold ones.

THE "I AM A LOSER" LAW.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get any worse.

PUDDER'S PRINCIPLE.
Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

THE LAW OF CONSERVATION OF DIRT.
For something to become clean, something else must become dirty.

THE FIRST CLANGER LAW.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

THE SECOND CLANGER LAW.
The more important the work, the bigger the clanger dropped.

THE THIRD CLANGER LAW.
To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

THE FOURTH CLANGER LAW.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

THE FIFTH CLANGER LAW.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done.

THE RULE OF OFFENCE.
The probability of causing offence is inversely proportional to intent.

THE LAW OF REPERCUSSION.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

ZIMMERMAN'S LAW OF COMPLAINTS.
Nobody notices when things go right.

THE STUPIDITY STIPULATION.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

THE IMPRESSION STIPULATION.
The probability of your boss dropping by your disk is inversely proportional to the impressiveness of the work you are doing.

THE CAR IMPRESSION STIPULATION.
There will always be beer cans rolling around on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office.

FERGUSON'S PRECEPT.
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing".

THE PANIC MAXIM.
If you can stay calm during mass panic then you don't understand the problem.

THE CALM SMILE CONCEPT.
The man who smiles when things have gone wrong has just thought of someone he can blame it on.

THE PROJECT BUILDER'S LAW.
Correctly sized holes shall be drilled in the wrong place.

THE EQUATION EDICT.
Given a problem containing N equations, there will always be N+1 unknowns.

THE CAN OF WORMS.
Once you have opened a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.

THE INEFFICIENT STAFF RULE.
If you have a difficult task, give it to the laziest person who'll find an easier way of doing it.

WEILER'S LAW.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have have to do it himself.

THE INEFFICIENCY THEOREM.
There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do.

THE PRODUCTIVITY PRECEPT.
Anything worth doing was done yesterday.

THE SECOND PRODUCTIVITY PRECEPT.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work they were supposed to be doing.

BROOKE'S LAW.
Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.

FINAGLE'S LAW.
Once a job has been really fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

THE FORTIETH LAW OF TIME.
Time available is inversely proportional to time required.

THE FORTY FIRST LAW OF TIME.
Work expands to fill the time available.

THE FORTY SECOND LAW OF TIME.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected, while a meticulously planned project takes only twice as long.

THE FORTY THIRD LAW OF TIME.
Never issue weekly progress reports - they simply manifest your lack of progress.

THE FORTY FOURTH LAW OF TIME.
To estimate the time it takes to do a job, estimate the time you think it should take, double that, then change the unit of measure to the next highest unit, so that a job which should take hours can take whole days.

THE FORTY FIFTH LAW OF TIME.
The first ninety percent of the job takes ninety percent of the time. The last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

THE FORTY SIXTH LAW OF TIME.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

THE LAWS OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
Availability is directly proportional to obsolescence and New Improved Model roughly translated means "the price went up".

THE INCONVENIENCE RULE.
Access space is the sum of space available plus a bit more.

THE EFFORT LAW.
The greater the effort involved, the bigger the clanger dropped.

THE JOURNALIST'S THEOREMS.
The number of laws expands to fill the number of blank pages. Word processors always crash or break down two words from the end of an article or split sentences in the worst possible place. Spelling checkers won't.

THE SECOND "I AM A LOSER" LAW.
I am not a failure, I am just between successes.

THE THIRD "I AM A LOSER" LAW.
How many times do I have to prove myself before others believe me.

THE FOURTH "I AM A LOSER" LAW.
As soon as an unfinished task becomes a matter of life or death, the power fails. In such cases, be prepared to find that your generator has run out of fuel the day before.

THE BELIEF IN BACKUPS.
Backups are always due to be made thirty seconds after disaster strikes.

THE BITCH'S MAXIM.
Even when others realise you were right, don't expect them to admit it.

THE EFFICIENCY PRECEPT.
The secret to looking efficient is to have a large drawer in your desk to hide the work you haven't yet done.

PRECISION PERFECTION.
Perfection cannot be attained - be prepared to use a Spelling Checker!

HARVARD'S COMPUTER LAW.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity and supervision, any machine will do as it damn well pleases.

FLAP'S FORMULA.
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration, or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected or random manner for reasons which are either completely obscure or totally mysterious.

JONES'S INTERPRETATION OF FLAP'S FORMULA.
Inanimate objects are only inanimate while you are looking at them and may be expected to behave in a totally random and inconvenient manner while your back is turned.

THE DICTIONARY DICTUM.
If you can't spell, how are you supposed to check a word in a dictionary?

THE MONEY MAXIM.
Money is not everything, but it sure does help sometimes.

THE SECOND MONEY MAXIM.
After any rise in salary you'll have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

THE THIRD MONEY MAXIM.
Just when you think you're about to make both ends meet, you realise someone's moved the ends.

THE SUCCESS STORY.
Success is the art of finding new ways to do things which have been done before.

THE BOSSES' RULES.
1. Your boss is always correct.
2. Should your boss be proved wrong, refer to 1. above.

THE RULE OF VISITORS.
Repercussion increases in direct proportion to the importance of the visitor present at the time of the disaster.

THE TRAINING GUIDELINER.
If you cannot decide if you need to go on a training course, you need to go on the training course.

THE CONFERENCE CONJECTURE.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

THE REQUIREMENT RULE.
The impossible we do at once, miracles take a bit longer.

THE LAW OF LUCK.
Luck is how you explain your rival's success.

THE RETROSPECTIVE PERSPECTIVE.
Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

THE REPLACEABILITY RULE.
Don't be replaceable - if you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.

OSBORN'S LAW.
Variables won't, constants aren't.

BEING THE BOSS.
Being the boss means you can write off your failures as bold experiments.

FILING CABINETS.
These are places were things can be lost alphabetically.

COMPUTER COCKUPS.
In this day and age, no one should be blamed for little mistakes. That's why we have computers.

COMPUTER COCKUPS CONTINUED.
To err is human, to make a mistake requires a QL, to really foul things up needs a PC.

PROFICIENT PROGRAMMERS' PRECEPT.
Never finish a project on time, or you may be labelled a beginner.

THE SECOND PROGRAMMERS' PRECEPT.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. Any given program, when running, is obsolete and useless. If a program is useless, it has to be documented.

THE THIRD PROGRAMMERS' PRECEPT.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

DISASTERS, DISASTERS.
A major disaster is one which can't be resolved by one letter.

DISK SPACE DICTUM.
The amount of space available on a disk in inversely proportional to the amount of space required.

THE PAPERWORK PRECEPT.
Paperwork is never needed until you have disposed of it, when it becomes indispensable.

DILWYN'S DICTUM.
Even if I send out the correct floppy disk, it's usually in someone else's envelope.

SPOUSE'S LAMENT.
"I'm having a few problems with the QL" means "partner's just lost everything and not coming to bed until 3AM".

THE NETWORK NOTION.
Networks don't.

THE PEOPLE PRECEPT.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE.
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

COLE'S LAW.
Thinly sliced cabbage.

DIOGENES' FIRST DICTUM.
The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to avoid paying tax.

EVAN'S LAW OF POLITICS.
When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.

STUART'S CYCLING LAW.
No matter which way you ride the bike, it's always uphill and against the wind.

FIRST LAW OF DEBATE.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

FRANKLIN'S RULE.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

GILB'S FIRST LAW OF UNRELIABILITY.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

GILB'S FIRST LAW OF UNRELIABILITY - THE COROLLARY.
At the source of each error blamed on a computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

HAGERTY'S LAW.
If you lose your temper with a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.

JOHNSON-LAIRD'S LAW.
Toothache always starts on Saturday nights.

LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

FIRST COROLLARY TO THE LAW OF PERVERSITY OF NATURE.
The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

MOTHER AND CHILD MISSIVE.
No matter how much bigger than your children you may be, you will never stand a chance of winning an argument with them.

MENCKEN'S LAW.
Those who can't teach, administrate.

MILLER'S LAW.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

PARDO'S POSTULATE.
Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

PETER'S COROLLARY.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

TRUMAN'S LAW.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.

MANLY'S MAXIM.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE.
Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.

MAIER'S LAW.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

SHICK'S LAW.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

THE POLITICAL PRINCIPLES.
Don't lie. It's a crime to impersonate a politician.
The Lord giveth, and the government taketh away.
Those whom the gods would destroy, are first made Prime Minister.
God created politicians to give respectability to astrologers.

CAYO'S LAW.
The only things that start on time are those that you are late for.

THE POPULARITY PRINCIPLE.
Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of your round of drinks.

LAWYER'S LAW.
Bulls do not win bullfights - people do. People do not win people fights, lawyers do.

THE CONFESSION CONCEPT.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for career prospects.

STOOL STIPULATION
The most important leg of a stool is the one that's missing.

Return to Humour page